I’ve been watching this one, waiting for a more complete report of the flora and fauna of Papua’s lost world. Of course, the information released to the general public is as sparse as the cunt hair on an octopus. It’s been reviewed by the same assholes who told us 9/11 was caused by improper termite prevention (fuck you, Orkin Man) and edited accordingly. The actual findings have been watered down to seem harmless: fanged frogs, bats and gigantic lizards that chase kangaroos up trees. That would be charming, if it were true. It’s obvious that they spun the “giant rat with no fear of humans” to evoke adorable images of Attack of the Killer Shrews.
Fortunately, I have come into possession of Dr. McGavin’s original journal, splattered with the entrails of four unlucky scientists who “were never part of the expedition.” Allow me to share some exerpts:
“This morning, after Dr. Anne Lindy – botanist – sucked my cock and made breakfast, the rest of us began to map the area around the campsite. We cataloged several interesting beetles and dared my graduate student, Jackson, to eat one. Motherfucker actually did it. We didn’t even have to offer him money… I respect Marcus Kim for his valuable work evaluating the calls of the many species of non-migratory birds in the area, but there’s no fucking way I’m dipping my dick into Anne’s asshole if he’s already spread concrete in there. We’re running out of condoms…
“Jackson has apparently contracted some kind of disease and he’s being a real dickhole about it. Dr. Kim recorded a screeching howl in the middle of the night that sounded distinctly similar to King Kong. Anne was frightened, but I gave her a little warm milk to help her sleep… We decided at lunch to explore a patch of dense undergrowth to the west of the campsite. Our entomologist, Richard Pradence, stepped into a crevasse and was drug into the darkness below. We shined our flashlights into the depths and could see Morlocks feasting on his fucking face. No shit…
“Some kind of big ass rat got into the marshmallows while we were loading Dr. Lindy like a shotgun (over and under). Without marshmallows, the chocolate bars and graham crackers are worthless. In my rage, I threw them into the jungle. If things keep going like this, we may have to eat Jackson… Never mind eating Jackson. The boils on his face and nuts exploded. He looks like a Chinese finger trap… The condoms are gone. We have to take our chances pulling out and blasting Anne in the face. I’m trying to be calm for the others, but things are looking desperate…
“We found some other fucked up animals today and took some pictures. An ant the size of a football chewed Marcus’ eyeballs out. I tried to catch him, but he apparently has some kind of biologically-based molecular transporter. We stuffed Dr. Kim’s head with bromeliad, a common flowering plant that is well-known for its ability to keep your fucking brains from leaking out. For fun, I put Dr. Kim’s cock in the festering mucous that used to be Jackson’s throat and told him it was sloppy seconds. Still, I can’t help but feel uneasy…
“I’m pretty sure Marcus is dead. A pterodactyl snatched him from his lawn chair, flew straight up for about 200 feet, and was eaten mid-air by an enormous fire-breathing turtle with makeup on. This cross-dressing Gamera is the find of a lifetime, but I take no joy in it. Anne is on her period and she’s turned into a total bitch. This expedition is over.”
See? It’s not all grunting fish and geckos. Science is serious business, friends. And I guaran-damn-tee you that these kinds of discoveries have always been, and will always be, hidden from the masses. Think about all the other sightings of Transvestii Gamera that have been covered up. Armstrong saw him on the moon. He flew over Woodstock. He caused the Chicago fire of 1971. Need proof? Ask the government. If they say it didn’t happen, then it definitely did.
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